Emotional abuse – what’s that exactly? Are there some clear-cut explanations, perhaps, evidence, such as scars or bruises, or at the very least, swearing? Because, if there are none, then how does one know she or he has been abused?
Lisa, the main heroine of Through the Clouds, didn’t. All she knew, she loved and cherished the man she married (Mark) and she would give her heart and her soul to him, but no matter how hard she tried, she didn’t seem to have what it takes to pull everything off. Their relationship were falling down the slope. She blamed herself for being an inept wife, a lousy housekeeper, and a poor mother. Once being a cheerful, lively woman she becomes an empty shell.
Well, Lisa doesn’t have any visible scars or bruises but her heart is bleeding from unseen wounds. Mark possesses unexplainable power over her and she walks a long way into the darkness with him. She is able to find the strength and stop at the edge of the cliff. He can’t make her take the last step. He can’t defeat her.
Lisa tries to comprehend what kept her blinded from seeing the truth about Mark. Was it love, compassion, or a spell? What gave her strength to break through the darkness and to the light? What guided her through the thorny road of her life? Doesn’t matter how to call Him, but her inner Guide was always with her – directing, teaching and loving. All she had to do was to listen and to trust.
If Lisa’s story, her thoughts and reflections do resonate with you, please share your experience, and thoughts here. Or, perhaps, you have questions? I would be glad to answer them. I’d love to hear from my readers
Tags: Emotional abuse, Relationship, spiritual
Abuse is a most difficult topic to approach. Everyone is against it but few people recognize it when they see it … until it is too late. In my latest book, “How to Get off the Merry-Go-Round: Stories of Women who Broke the Cycle of Abusive Relationships,” five women discuss how they came to be in abusive relationships, what they needed to know to get out and what issues they were left to deal with to avoid repetition of the situation.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I developed an understanding of the dynamics of abuse through my work with a group of women whose bravery in the face of danger was beyond words and whose articulate interchanges with each other and with me opened a plethora of information which we all felt other might find material that would benefit them.
Let’s look at the dynamics of abuse. Underlying abuse are common factors including: domination and control, undeserved power over another person, stripping the victim of a feeling of worth and under it all — rage.
The women in this book are all very real and presently living lives free of abuse because they came to believe in themselves as the only person allowed to make a determination of their worth. All of them came with a coomon issue: victimization through some form of abuse in their childhood which wasd repeated in their adult realtionships with men, with bosses and sometimes even with the clerk at the local Seven-Eleven!
To be abused, you need to be “willing” to subvert your needs to the will and whims of another. Willing does not mean that the woman meant to allow someone else to control her life. She was set up to be a victim through years of training as to what her “proper role” should be when she was a child.
Many women feel they need a man to manage their lives because this was imbued in them by family, school, church, community … So, what kind of men want to be managers? Usually weak-willed, insecure men who fear that they cannot hold a relationship unless they dominate it.
Ours is a society of admiration for the trivial. The qualities that we look for in a relationship are often the least important factors of good looks and popularity. What is often overlooked are the three Cs, essential to the growth of every kind of relationship: Caring, communication and most of all, compromise. Pleasing a partner, a boss, a clerk in the store takes precedence over being treated as an equal. The false belief that if you treat your man well, he willl love you is so far from reality that you could almost call it insane to follow that dictum. How do you please a person who is unpleasable? The answer is: You don’t.
Emotional abuse is far worse (in some ways) even than physical abuse because it can go unrecognized for a lifetime. It can be as varied as using temper tantrums to cowe a woman, cheating on her, threatening her financial security, putting down all her efforts and even to the extreme measure of terrible stone silence for weeks on end. It may be belittling the important things and praising those things that make her subservient to him.
Here is a thought-provoking one for many romance writers. I have read too many romances that put a high value on those traits in a man that promote abuse. The heroine works to please the man who resists her until there is a breakthrough on page 174 which in essense uses rationalization to “make him see the light.” In the real world, most abusers see the light only when it is the lamp on the judge’s desk in divorce court.
What do I suggest: Developing an understanding as early as possible that the roles of men and women may differ somewhat in a family but the level of respect for the value of each person is a constant that is not gender- dependent. If a person is not willing to pay the price of accepting the three Cs mentioned above, the relationship cannot proceed or progress.
This doesn’t mean that the woman has to win every dispute or that there won’t be arguments. It is simply that the power breaks at 50:50 and resolution is what both parties will accept. It means that perfection cannot be asked unless it is also given.
Emotional abuse is a two-way street. There are many abusive women as well as abusive men. But because of the physical differences and the fact that more often than not, it is the woman who must provide most of the child care, you begin with an inequity which must be taken into consideration.
Life is not a romance novel. In a healthy relationship, the level of pleasure is far greater. No fictional character experiences the kind of real highs that life’s successes may bring. In an abusive relationship, no fiction can describe the depths of despair and loneliness of an abused person alone on an island in the middle of a world that doesn’t see her pain because she has been taught to hide it so well.
As one of the women in my book so aptly spoke: “The first step in my recovery was to break every rule I was taught about hanging the family wash out to dry in my own back yard. I told and I told and I told. I felt anger … no … I felt rage and still, I wasn’t ready to leave Dan. I still had to get past the excuse that the kids needed their father even though he beat me almost to death. Today, I look in the mirror and I don’t see Dan’s wife, my kid’s mother, my Mom’s daughter. I see me. I see … Marianne.”
Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings here on your blog. If you would like to know a bit more about me and see a sample of the book, you are welcome to visit my homepage: http://members.authorsguild.net/trachtenburg/
This is such an emotive subject, Erin, and your discussion has certainly intrigued me to want to read your novel. Thankfully, this is not something I’ve ever had to confront and I hope I never will. The idea that anyone can have so much power over another is a horrifying one, and yet I suspect it is far more common than people realise. I can only hope, if faced with any kind of abuse, that I would have the wisdom and strength to walk away before it was too late, as your heroine does.
Thanks so much for a fascinating discussion.
Hi Milton,
Thank you for your comments. Your description of emotional abuse and its victims is very professional and truthful. I see that as psychologist you have a great expertise on the topic, providing the traits of those involved, and ways to prevent/overcome abuse and its consequences. No doubt, all of that is very important and could be found very helpful for some public – and this is great.
However, life in all its manifestations, is too diverse, unpredictable and free – by definition it cannot be simply sliced and diced into any “clear-cut” cause and effects: as soon as we think we got it, there arises the situation that doesn’t fall into any known scenario, right?
With that said, emotional abuse can be very subtle; very brilliantly masked, requiring one to go through all the “dark labyrinth” until finding an exit. It might not necessarily depend on childhood abuse, or church/community “training”, or on any other “conventional” causes, but would “mysteriously” keep captive a strong, confident, successful woman who, as the heroine of my novel, ‘Through the Clouds”, wouldn’t otherwise accept any hint of patronage.
Like in spirituality, teachers may speak about the same thing, but each of them would explain it differently – for the student, it may seem that one teacher is talking pure gibberish, and another one is too philosophical, and he would disregard both. Yet, another teacher, would speak “the language” that resonates with the student, and that would be where the true learning happens. The novel – a life story of a person that a woman can identify herself with – is this “other language” that would resonate with her heart giving an understanding, and if anyone finds her answers in my novel, I am glad I wrote it.
You can find “Through the Clouds” in e-format at the sites below, and it will be available in print in April. I would be glad to hear your comments.
http://www.writewordsinc.com/throughclouds.html
http://www.fictionwise.com/ebooks/b101946/Through-the-Clouds/Erin-Aslin/?id=1642
http://www.amazon.com/Through-the-Clouds-ebook/dp/B002Z6G7TU/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=digital-text&qid=1259894296&sr=1-3
Hi Jessica,
Thank you for your heartfelt comments and openness to understand and discuss the issue that hasn’t touched you personally.
Many people, who haven’t seen emotional abuse closely, in this way or another, would blame the victim. They would look down at the woman, thinking if she allowed someone to mistreat her, then that was exactly what she deserved. They claim it would never happen to them because of their great traits such as strong personality, independence, financial security, etc.
The truth is, no one is immune to the emotional abuse. As a big, mysterious monster, emotional abuse can take various forms, each time striking its victim with the one that “fits” her perfectly. There are plenty of examples of so called “strong” women who used to say “would never happen to me,” until it did. And then they told the world about their experiences so it wouldn’t happen to others. Ironically enough, we are still not listening, believing in our “strong” will.
How many times does life have to show us that our will is not as strong, and nothing depends on it as we see it? Is there anything that can be done in this lifespan for people to learn to open our hearts, and treat each other with love?
I’d be glad to discuss “Through the Clouds” with you.